Hated it. Hollywood’s most self-referential, self-important, and self-congratulatory piece of claptrap in a long time, LaLa Land follows a cranky jazz musician and an aspiring actress through their relationship and their existential discontent. I can’t tell if the title, usually used in a derisive context to express the cluelessness of this city in relation to the rest of America, is meant ironically, but it’s perfectly apropos… And hilarious. But before I launch into a tirade here, let me at least give credit where credit is due. The use of colors is amazing, from the costuming to the set design, there’s a rich saturation of hues that’s lovely to watch. And that opening single shot scene is fantastic. Ok. Done. Now… LaLa Land does create a strange paradox. It portrays everything that real working entertainment professionals hate about these characters, but then the film is imbued with just enough starry-eyed gazing at the town and the industry that it somehow charms Hollywood into forgetting how distasteful these characters are. It reminds me of the Spinoza quote, “None are more taken in by flattery than the proud, who wish to be the first and are not.” Let’s not forget that Mia (Emma Stone) is a dipsh*t and Sebastian (Ryan Gosling) is an *sshole. Here’s a dirty little (open) secret about Hollywood that TMZ doesn’t want America to know: It is a half TRILLION dollar economy that accounts for 3% of THE ENTIRE GDP. It contributes about 50 BILLION DOLLARS to the local economy. It is populated by hard-core professionals that do virtually nothing but work their game 24/7 and it has a low tolerance for dipsh*ts like Mia who don’t know to keep multiple changes of clothes in their car for auditions. Show up to an audition and are splattered with coffee? Go home. You’re done. All the “Mia’s” that come to Hollywood don’t last years, they last months. The only reason the “You can achieve your dream,” pitch keeps getting sold to America is because there are bottom feeders here that will make sure to take every last dime of the Mia’s before sending them packing AND it sells movie tickets and People Magazines. She ends up being successful because of her one woman show?! About what? Her incredible love for Grey’s Anatomy? Mia is too real, but her story isn’t, and she’s not likeable… But Sebastian is even worse. As a casual jazz lover, I cringed at this character’s historical-high-ground, self-righteous nonsense. The most amazing thing about America’s great art form that most Americans don’t understand is that it is interwoven into the history of America: Jazz shaped the history of the country as historical events shaped jazz. It is an astonishingly fluid art form, NOT the Miles-Davis-behind-glass curiosity that Sebastian argues for. Keith, played by John Legend, actually captures this in a monologue in the middle of the film, for which he is vilified for. So, let’s be clear: Self-righteous white dude is going to save a historically black art form from… Blacks? Nothing systemically racist or paternalistic to see here. Keep moving. Just look at the pretty colors. By the way, let’s not forget that Sebastian and Mia’s “relationship” starts with him PHYSICALLY ASSAULTING HER, A STRANGER, IN A CLUB. Now, this being LA, I can report that that is also not uncommon, but it’s not charming. Finally, there’s the character of LA herself. For a movie that’s SO in love with the City, why not ACTUALLY use more of the city instead of just the same old stupid tropes of the Hollywood sign, Mulholland Dr., and Griffith Observatory? No real Angeleno occupies this LA except for when we take out of town guest there. There’s a half dozen gorgeous old movie theaters in DTLA that would be plausible locations for a screening of Rebel Without a Cause. Why use the collapsing Rialto in Pasadena? And the jazz club is in Hermosa Beach… Ugh. The overall politics of this film are the most cringe-worthy. As liberal Hollywood bemoans the state of affairs in the world, the most celebrated film of the season is a virtually all-white puff piece celebrating Hollywood? Gross. Just gross.